In accordance with Company policy, we are pleased to announce that you have received merchandise with the same high quality-standards as all our customers, and we feel that you are extremely chickenshit in returning the stuff, particularly since we did not authorize the return.

You know damn well we have a comprehensive and equitable Returned Goods Policy, and you will pay hell receiving credit unless this policy is strictly adhered to.

We ship whatever the hell comes off the production line, and whether or not it meets specifications is beside the point. We are reasonably confident our packaging contains the proper materials a good share of the time, which is exactly what you ordered. By God, no one is perfect! I'd like to see your production area some time, I'll bet you have a shit-pot full of problems too.

Incidentally, you have really pissed off our Scheduling & Production people with your arbitrary statements concerning delivery. After all, your last order was only three months overdue, which is a helluva lot less than most of our customers got. What the hell do you expect?

On future orders, we suggest that you favor us with a higher dollar volume, and we will really bust our ass. With this type of volume, we can guarantee a maximum late order condition of only two months. How’s that for a thirty-day improvement!

As a valued customer, it is certainly your privilege to request that we check future orders more closely for requested shipping dates, but your prickish attitude will, we are confident, result in our shipping so damned late, that you will be in such a bind, that you will accept any old shit we want to get rid of.

By the way, don't give us any of that old crap about order cancellation because we have already started production. We could however, see our way clear to stop production, if you agree to the 90% cancellation charge. Otherwise, tough shit!

In summary, you work with us, and we will work with you --- but--don't pull that "irate customer" crap on us: we've been down that path before.

Warmest personal regards:

CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER